A personal letter for you, Julie
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I had a lot of time to think today and didn’t really know what to do with my thoughts so I thought I’d type them up and see where they go. (This is how I find release.) If I can write them without fear of disclosure of your identity I may publish them on my blog. Not to embarrass you or make you feel bad, but as a way, for me to let my thoughts go. To empty my mind of the garbage.
Here is one of the last paragraphs you wrote to me on messenger:
I think my problem is I’m jealous of your success.
This took me back a bit because the statement was a shock. I thought about that statement for a long time because it bothered me. I was happy that you finally felt free to say what was on your mind, it says a lot about your maturity. What bothered me about the statement though was that you were one of those people who pretended to be a friend and secretly hated me behind my back. How long has that been going on?
I never rubbed what imaginary success I seem to possess in your face. If you have a problem with imagined success the problem isn’t with me, it’s with you.
I’m sorry you feel the need for jealously.
Did this jealously start when I went back to school? I am wondering because that’s the time you seemed to have written off our friendship. It made me sad, and then angry that you completely cut me off and refused to talk with me simply because I didn’t have time to chat all hours of the day like I had in the past. I had fun at school and I was hoping you could be happy for me that I found something I was having fun with. Instead, you pushed me away and refused to talk with me.
I wasn’t sure what was going on with you mentally at that point because you didn’t want to talk. When you finally did resurface and grace me with your words you wished me happy birthday… late. In the almost 40 years that I’ve known you, you forgot when my birthday was? That bothered me. That’s when you got an angry letter from me. How dare you leave me hanging and not speak to me for 6 months. We were supposed to be best friends. Best friends don’t do that to each other.
After that letter, I was hoping you’d at least be mad at me enough to write back and tell me what the real problem was. Nothing.
Sometime after that, I heard that your daughter died. I am truly sorry for your loss. I know you were expecting me to go to her funeral. As you know, I chose not to go.
I know you’re wondering why I chose not to go to your daughter’s funeral so I’m going to address that.
Funerals and crying are hard for me to be around because I absolutely do not like to share my most inward feelings.
The other reason why I didn’t go to the funeral was because of you. I was still angry that you threw away decades of our friendship by refusing to talk to me.
Looking back, I know that I am wrong for not going to the funeral. I am sorry.
Perhaps about the time of your daughter’s death (or possibly before?), you showed up on Facebook. I don’t remember who sent who a friend request but I know I was eager to talk to you, yet still angry. Again, silence. Were you just there to hate stalk me? Or were you just not sure of what to say? How did things get so weird between us?
I know when you finally did say something I was angry and didn’t respond. I wanted to remove you as a friend right then and there but ended up not doing it because I wanted to see how you truly were.
You didn’t seem to post much but when I did see something of you on my feed I was surprised. When did you get to be so full of drama? Almost every one of your posts was full of drama. I went inside myself and thought long and hard about our previous conversations. Were they dramatic?
At the time you were posting dramatic conversations I was pulling away from needless crap in my life and restructuring it to be the life I wanted to lead. I had to for my peace. I had a lot of stuff going on in my life that I chose not to post on Facebook or any other social media outlet. In fact, I didn’t tell anyone what was going on, still haven’t. (Are you still jealous of my perfect life?)
Like you, my health bottomed out. Yet I still didn’t post it on social media. In fact, I did the opposite of what a lot of people do when their health goes, I re-grouped, found solutions, and posted about positive things when I did post. When you see positive things on my social media accounts it’s not that life is always going swimmingly (though sometimes it is), it’s just that I choose to be positive.
Choosing to be positive is a choice.
Finally, I reached a point in my life where I was ready to let go of my anger. I wished you a happy birthday and asked if you wanted to get a coffee or something. No, I haven’t forgotten that you don’t like coffee, it wasn’t about the coffee, it was about the relationship.
I wasn’t certain that I wanted a relationship with you but chose to at least entertain the idea of speaking with you in person to at least come to some sort of peace.
As life would have it, I got really busy with personal stuff that I didn’t post about on social media. A month and a half passed by and it dawned on me that I needed to set up a date and have coffee with you. I went to your page and discovered that you had removed me as your friend.
Nice. You cut me out of your life again. So, I left your page and decided to let God have the friendship or lack thereof and move on. Dwelling on something that I couldn’t control would be stupid. My peace means everything to me.
My motto as of a couple of years ago… Let go, and let God! If we were meant to be friends we would, if not, God would fill all that I need with HIS grace.
I was at peace when you sent a simple message asking me if I missed our friendship. The truth was, I did but I had long since let go of what once was, so whatever happened at that point was God’s choice.
We talked briefly about surface things and then I told you that the ball was in your court about our friendship. It really wasn’t, it was God’s choice. But I know that there is free will and you were certainly allowed to pick up and run with the option of friendship or close the door. I had already chosen to leave the door open for you (for now) and at the same time give it to God to work on because what we have now isn’t working for either of us.
A week went by with a promise from you to contact me. Nothing. I sent you another message. You seemed short to me and said you were busy with your grandchildren. I get that, I have a full life with my own grandchildren always needing constant attention, so I left the door open. Let go and let God.
3 months have now gone by and it hasn’t escaped my attention that you have still not responded like you promised. I was looking forward to having contact with you again because I do care about you. I love you. I care about what goes on in your life but I am not willing to sacrifice my peace if you haven’t dealt with your jealousy.
I just wanted you to know that the door is open (for now). If you want to talk, you have my number and my email address. If I don’t hear from you I wish you the best and may God fill your life with peace, joy, and happiness.
God bless you and your family, Julie.
Let go, and let God!